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1:56 am / 10.07.04

i have died before.

long before the pain came

i sucked in air

and now

alive

after the death

i am alone.

but what is alone?

is alone without you near me all the time?

crying in balls of deadskin and sweat on the corner of my bed.

no.

alone is not a shower

or my stomach ache.

I have been dead before.

that time i cut my wrist from elbow to finger tip.

and tears didnt hum the tune promised in The Royal Tenenbaums.

no, that wasnt death, that was a dream.

what is a dream?

if not the smokefilled lungs of a seventeen year old.

not the sugarfree rootbeer.

they are death.

i once felt dead,

or what i thought dead would feel like

but if i was dead, i wouldnt feel

so i didnt feel dead.

but i have died before.

rebirth, no.

just death then life.

the way is always is.

a cut here

paste there

self adheaisive stick-it note.

sticking to me,

death always repeats.

and i'm dying again.

i'm dead again

find me my nalgene.

i'm dead again.

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