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first time
6:56 pm / 30.06.04

knocking on a wooden door

the stairs behind me creek with weight a

as another woman comes from

bottom to top.

and footsteps narrow to the other side of your door

and watching the handle turn

i smile in anticipation of seeing you

when the swinging has finished.

we exchange eachothers names,

with a greeting, so rehearsed, no director could fix it.

do you know i shaved my legs before coming?

i've been washing my hands all day long

this anticipation

mental masturbation

you.

you.

you've cut your hair?

allowing for a moment of silence.

you offer me a beer,

too early i don't drink it.

you tell me about the party last night

and no words exchanged about the waterfall.

i noticed that the lights in your bathroom were on,

and when i went inside, to calm myself,

i know you've taken a condom from your shelf.

i counted yesterday..

i counted.. 4

we sit on the scratchy brown couch

touching hands and giggling to the jokes you tell.

i am waiting to feel you.

am i wrong to not wait for love?

wrong we are not in love.

you get high and i get tired

and we kiss while sinking into the sofa.

you can grab my tits and hold me as close as you see fit

because i am wanting and willing to have you

because i am lonely today

no one says they love me

but physically i know you're making it.

we can make love

even though we don't feel it.

i can pretend to love you

because you hold me so close.

knocking on the door,

the stairs reveal another woman coming up

from down.

the door is locked

we ignore the knocks

and go back to the matter at mouth.

illegal.

just wrong.

so beautiful.

wonderful

smart

pretty

okay..

if you say those things again...

I'll stay.

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