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the sun
11:20 pm / 01.03.04

today i marked a moment

not with the word

but with a thought i've never had before.

and he smiled into my eyes

just like he did the day he kissed me

the day before thanksgiving

and thats the day i drown

so today i said i loved him

and he held my hand

and with everything he's put me through

i saw my life flash before my eyes

and i was young again

only five or seven

laying on my stomach in the park

and mom was there with sunscreen on

i smiled and i was the sun to her.

i say i love

and i kiss with my heart

and I pain for the feeling of being

more than insignificant to you people

but with boys who can say sweet things

in the sweetest ways

i died for them.

mom used to let me cry in her arms

and never ask me why

but now i only cry alone

in my bedroom

or while i drive

and the pain is more abstract.

never a physical sting

only his words and his lies that distract me

and remind me of a moment when

i needed only love

no kisses

no assurance of my beauty

because as mamma always told me

i was the sun

where is the one who will see the light in me

and if i am alone can i still shine

if he sees it will he follow me

and

will i see him as the sun?

for a moment today i remembered why

i cried for the one i died for.

he has the sun and it's shining

but it's a shine that's slowly

growing faint

with each glimpse

of sunlight i see

still staring at me

from the woman who will always love me

because she is me.

mamma, the only one who

truly is the sun.

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