11:20 pm / 01.03.04
today i marked a moment
not with the word
but with a thought i've never had before.
and he smiled into my eyes
just like he did the day he kissed me
the day before thanksgiving
and thats the day i drown
so today i said i loved him
and he held my hand
and with everything he's put me through
i saw my life flash before my eyes
and i was young again
only five or seven
laying on my stomach in the park
and mom was there with sunscreen on
i smiled and i was the sun to her.
i say i love
and i kiss with my heart
and I pain for the feeling of being
more than insignificant to you people
but with boys who can say sweet things
in the sweetest ways
i died for them.
mom used to let me cry in her arms
and never ask me why
but now i only cry alone
in my bedroom
or while i drive
and the pain is more abstract.
never a physical sting
only his words and his lies that distract me
and remind me of a moment when
i needed only love
no assurance of my beauty
because as mamma always told me
i was the sun
where is the one who will see the light in me
and if i am alone can i still shine
if he sees it will he follow me
will i see him as the sun?
for a moment today i remembered why
i cried for the one i died for.
he has the sun and it's shining
but it's a shine that's slowly
with each glimpse
of sunlight i see
still staring at me
from the woman who will always love me
because she is me.
mamma, the only one who
truly is the sun.