spit-tears's Diaryland Diary

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divorce

You sent me photos of the woods on your flip phone-
and years later I mentioned
an iphone would keep you up to date.
So you upgraded and bought an iphone.
you regretted it immediately and grumbled about it nightly.
until you downloaded a chess app
and then you became satisfied with the new technology.

You sent me photos of the woods on your flip phone before we even met in person.
You complimented my style- my humor and wit
and then when we met in person I guess you fell in love with it.
But I said it first, and you asked me to explain so I recited all the
phrases inside my brain
sunk my poetry into your skin and instead of creating beauty on a page
I subscribed to the daily build him up brigade.

And you joined mine too-
built me up when I felt blue-
encouraged me to carry through-
see a counselor,
get your self healthy kind of love-

until I couldn't do enough.
Held captive by my heartbreak when you fell in love with another-
Told me you didn't know if you should have married me-
didn't KNOW if you had ever really loved me-
felt like I pushed you without your input-
when I remember conversations-
"are you sure?" "YES stop asking."
should have trusted my gut
that I could never be on enough
could never satisfy your lust
for perfection- my perfection, at least.

So when you told me the day after our anniversary
"I see a life with Rhubarb, and not with you"
I heard you, and still clung on to the hope this was all in my head.

But I remember days where we smiled harder than the sun shone in the sky,
when we held each other closer to feel alive-
and I feel like you've changed me to need you to survive
just to rip the inner tube away just as I escape a riptide.

"I hope you know it was a hard decision."
"I know it's been painful for you."
"I appreciate you understanding " as you break my heart in two.
"It breaks my heart to break your heart" he gently says to me-
but the axe it still comes swinging.

4:53 pm - Sunday, Mar. 06, 2022

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